Are You This Upset Because You're PMS'D?
If this in the lens you're looking at your disagreements through, you're fucked before you even start
I was getting my haircut yesterday. I had decided to let it grow long but once my wife told me I looked like a Lego man, I knew it was time to pivot. I can take a hint (sometimes).
The barber was a nice young guy and we we ended up talking about relationships. And he ended up repeating a line I’ve heard a million times. In fact, I used to think the same way when I was younger.
“Man, do you have any advice for me when I get into an argument with my girl?”
”What happens when you argue?”
”Well, she’s impossible to talk to because……(wait for it)…..I’m logical and she’s super emotional.”
And BOOM! There it is. One of the beliefs responsible for so many guys shooting themselves in the foot that men are limping the world over.
Before I go any further: If you’re a guy who’s reading this, never, ever, ever say or think that again. Now, let me tell you why.
The Frame
The way you choose to look at the conversation/disagreement drives how you act. So if you think you’re the Spock-like wizard and she’s the emotional wreck, you’re going to do a few things:
talk down to her like she’s a child with a behaviour problem
try to fix the problems with her thinking and behaving
be so eerily calm she wants to punch you in the fucking temple
ask her if she’s so upset because she’s PMS’d. (don’t ask me how I know this is a bad idea)
Remember, you get to choose how you look at every situation you face. That’s powerful so use the power.
Your Logic is Illogical
Listen logical one. If you’re so logical, why do you keep taking the same approach that never works?
Imagine there was a brick wall with a door in it. Instead of walking through the door, you told yourself, “Logically if I run face first into the brick wall, eventually I’ll get through it.”
That sounds pretty fucking stupid doesn’t it?
Her Emotions Count Too
You’re telling yourself your skills as a logistician mean you’re devoid of emotions. That’s bullshit. Of course you’re experiencing emotions. You’re just telling herself that somehow yours are more “valid” than hers. Does that sound like a good way to have a productive disagreement with someone?
The Way Better Frame
Are you ready? Here we go:
The things people say and do make perfect sense to them in the moment.
They might not make sense to you. Hell, they might not even make common sense.
That’s not the point. They make sense to her. So do your fucking best to find out why what she’s doing and saying makes sense to her.
What’s a question you can ask yourself to remind yourself to find out why what she’s saying and doing makes sense to her?
“She’s upset because this topic is important to her. How can I learn more about what she’s thinking and feeling?”
Instead of being the judge, be a detective. There are tons of cool detectives you can emulate: Magnum PI and…….well he’s the only one I can think of but he is very fucking cool. Hawaii, Ferrari, friend with a chopper. Be Magnum.
Wrapping Up
Everyone has a point of view that’s important to them. Everyone expresses their point of view in different ways. It’s part of the beauty of being a human being
We all want the person we love to help us feel heard and understood. It’s one of the most important gifts we can give one another.
The best way to help someone feel heard and understood is to actually try to understand what their thinking and feeling.
The things people say and do make perfect sense to them in the moment.
Partners who are being truly logical will always remind themselves that another person’s experience is as valid to them as yours is to you.
Lose the judgement and focus your time and energy on learning more about what the person you love is experiencing.