From Surface Talk to Soul Talk

Want more meaning, laughter, intimacy, and truth in your relationships? Start with better questions.

Most of the time, we’re skimming the surface with the people we love most. We ask superficial questions and get superficial answers.

“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
And we move on.

But something powerful happens when we ask better questions that draw out meaning, memory, and connection.

Our questions are fateful. They shape the future before we even get an answer. Because the moment we ask, we direct attention, energy, and imagination toward a certain way of seeing the world.

And most of us, without realizing it, tend to ask questions that focus on what’s wrong, broken, or missing.

• “Why can’t you just listen for once?”

• “Why do we keep having the same fight over and over?”

• “What’s wrong with you lately?”

• “How can we stop arguing so much?”

What if we shifted that? What if we started asking questions that search for what’s strong instead of what’s wrong? What if we got curious about what leads to love, courage, growth and possibility?

These are called generative questions. They invite growth. They shift the conversation from what's wrong to what’s worth building.

They don’t fix. They reveal.
They don’t interrogate. They invite.
They don’t assume. They explore.

The goal isn’t to get it right. The goal is to be curious, open, and present. To know the people you love more deeply. And to help them know themselves.

Use these as is, reword them, or let them spark your own. Just ask. And then listen like it matters.

Because it does.

MOMENTS THAT MADE US

Questions that explore moments of excellence from the past.

• What’s a moment when you felt most deeply loved by me and what makes that one stand out for you? What can I learn from that experience?

• What’s a piece of advice that’s changed your life for the better and what made it stick?

• What’s something from your past that you’d love to see in a new light?

• When have you seen me show courage and how did it matter to you?

• What’s something you’re proud of yourself about?

• What idea or insight has quietly shaped your life for the better?

• When’s a time you felt truly safe and able to be vulnerable with me? How did I help you feel safe in that moment?

• What’s a time you felt deeply inspired and what sparked it?

• When’s a time you felt real empathy for someone else? What opened your heart?

• When were you unexpectedly humbled, and how did it change you for the better?

WHO WE ARE NOW

Questions that help you reflect on what’s working well in the present.

• What am I doing or saying when you feel most loved and supported by me?

• What do you admire about your parents, and how might we bring more of that into our relationship?

• What part of yourself do you see in our kids that fills you with joy?

• What about parenting has been even better than you expected?

• In what ways have you seen me grow over the course of our relationship?

• How would you describe the way I show up for you emotionally when I’m at my best?

• What are some things we do that you think our kids will look back on and feel lucky?

• What’s a belief you’re starting to outgrow, or want to let go of?

• What strengths do you see in me that deepen your love for me?

• What does being loved feel like to you?

• What do I do or say that helps you feel emotionally safe and open?

• What emotion do you want more of in your daily life?

• Who in your life models compassion, and what do you notice about how they live?

• What are a few words you would use to describe me when I’m showing up as my best?

• What kind of mentor or guide do you wish you had right now? What qualities would they bring?

WHO WE’RE BECOMING

Questions that open a window into dreams, longings, and the future you want to co-create.

• When you picture the best version of our future together, what do you see that makes you smile?

• What’s something you'd love to do more of together and what’s one small way we could begin?

• What’s a new rhythm or ritual we could create together that would make us feel even more connected to one another?

• What’s one way you’d like to care for yourself even better, and how can I support you in that?

• Who’s someone you’d love to feel closer to, and what draws you to them?

• If we went on a road trip, what’s one song you’d have to play and what memory or meaning is behind it?

• What kind of memories do you hope we’ll look back on years from now and what’s one we could start creating this month?

• If we created a shared bucket list for the next five years, what’s something you'd definitely want to put on it?

• Twenty years from now, if someone asked what I did that meant the most to you as your partner, what do you hope you’d say?