Grief Tools for Men #2: How to Talk Like a Man Who Stands Up Instead of Staying Down

If You Keep Saying You’re Broken, Don’t Be Surprised When Your Life Stays That Way

The night Chloe died, the cop was standing in my house. He had just told me she "didn’t make it." I was on my hands and knees, overwhelmed with an agony more intense than I knew was possible.

And in the middle of that, I had a fleeting but powerful thought:

"I know this will make me grow as a person. I don’t know how or what it will look like, but I know it will."

It lasted for just a second before the inconsolable anguish bulldozed me again. But I knew it was true—because I had already lived it once before, after Cindy’s death.

That thought didn’t take away my pain. It didn’t change what had happened. But it set a direction. It planted a seed of something different.

And here’s what I’ve learned since then:

The more I speak that truth—"I will grow through this"—the more committed I become to actually doing it.

That’s why I’m sitting here, writing this.

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Why It’s So Important

The words you use don’t just describe your reality. They define it.

Most men don’t realize this. They think words are just words. That what they say doesn’t matter.

Bullshit.

• Your words shape your beliefs. If you tell yourself you’re broken, your brain starts believing it.

• Your beliefs shape your actions. A man who thinks he’s broken acts broken. He stops fighting. He stops trying.

• Your actions shape your reality. And if you stop fighting, stop trying, stop pushing forward—you stay stuck in the hole you’re in.

This is not just mindset fluff. It’s backed by research in neuroscience and behavioral psychology:

• Your brain rewires itself based on the language you use. Negative words reinforce negative pathways.

• Repeated language turns into self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Shifting language shifts perspective. Change the way you talk, and your brain starts looking for different options.

If you keep saying you’ll never be happy again, you’ll never even try to be. If you keep saying life is unfair, you’ll stay stuck in resentment. If you keep saying you’re broken, don’t be surprised when your life stays broken.

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The Three Biggest Mistakes Men Make

1. Using Permanent, Hopeless Language

• “I’ll never be happy again.”

• “This pain will never get better.”

• “There’s no way forward.”

These statements lock you into despair. They turn grief into a life sentence instead of something you carry forward.

2. Fighting Reality Instead of Facing It

• “Life is unfair.”

• “No one understands.”

• “I shouldn’t have to go through this.”

The truth is, life isn’t about what should or shouldn’t happen. It’s not about fairness. It’s not about deserving. Anything can happen to anyone at any time.

When you hold onto the idea that this shouldn’t have happened, you’re fighting reality. And fighting reality is a battle you’ll never win.

It doesn’t mean what happened isn’t brutal. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. It just means you have a choice: stay locked in a fight against something you can’t change, or start figuring out how to carry it forward.

3. Labeling Themselves as Broken

• “I’m a mess.”

• “I’m permanently broken.”

• “My heart has been ripped out.”

You may feel all of these things, and I get it. But words don’t just reflect reality—they create it. Keep telling yourself you’re broken, and you’ll act in ways that reinforce it.

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What to Do Instead

Change your words, change your experience. That’s not some fluffy self-help line—it’s reality. Instead of language that locks you in, use language that keeps the door open.

What You Say → What to Say Instead

1. "I’m permanently broken." → "I’ve been knocked flat, but I’m getting back up one step at a time."

2. "I’ll never be happy again." → "I don’t know what happiness looks like yet, but I’ll stay open to finding out."

3. "No parent should have to go through this." → "I never wanted this, but I’ll take it one step at a time and find my way."

4. "Life is so unfair." → "Life doesn’t play by the rules. It throws punches. I can’t change that, but I get to decide how I hit back."

5. "I can’t do this." → "I don’t know how to do this yet, but I’ll take it one action at a time."

6. "I don’t recognize myself anymore." → "Of course I’m different—this kind of loss changes a man. Now I get to see who I’m becoming."

7. "There’s nothing left of me." → "I’ve lost a lot, but I’m still here. And as long as I’m here, I’ll keep building something that matters."

8. "I’m alone in this." → "This is brutal, and it feels lonely as hell—but I’m going to find the right people to walk through it with me."

9. "I’ll never move forward." → "I don’t have to run today, but every step I take gets me somewhere new."

10. "It feels like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back." → "Grief isn’t linear. This is all part of the process and I’m here for it."

This isn’t about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about choosing words that don’t trap you in suffering. Words that don’t erase your pain, but also don’t erase your future.

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How to Do It: The No-BS Guide to Reframing Your Words

This isn’t about “thinking positive” or pretending everything’s fine. That’s not what this is.

This is about choosing words that don’t make your situation worse. Words that keep the door open instead of slamming it shut. Words that create a way forward, even if it’s just one step at a time.

And like anything else, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it.

Best Practices for Reframing

✅ Make it action-focused. No vague statements like “I’ll try.” Make it something you’ll actually do.
✅ No passive language. Replace “I hope” or “I wish” with “I will” or “I choose.”
✅ Use ‘yet’ to signal growth. It turns a dead-end statement into a work in progress.
✅ Shift from survival mode to intentional action. Instead of just getting through the day, decide what you’re going to build.
✅ Curiosity beats pressure. Instead of “I have to figure this out,” try “I get to see what’s next.”

Now, here’s how to put it into action:

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Step 1: Catch It

Listen to the words coming out of your mouth—or running through your head. What are you saying about yourself, your life, or your future?

• Are your words keeping you stuck?

• Are you shutting down possibility before it even starts?

• Are you making things harder than they need to be?

Write down one negative statement you’ve been repeating. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just get it out.

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Step 2: Flip It

Now rework it using the best practices above.

Ask yourself:

• Is this statement actually helping me?

• Is there another way to say this that keeps the door open?

• Would I say this to a friend?

Then rewrite it. But don’t just soften it—make it something you can act on.

Here’s what that looks like:

• Catch It: “I can’t do this.”

• Flip It: "I don’t know how to do this yet, but I’ll take it one action at a time."
  🔹 Why? Adds ‘yet’ to keep it open, shifts to action instead of helplessness.

• Catch It: “I’m permanently broken.”

• Flip It: "I’ve been knocked flat, but I’m getting back up one step at a time."
  🔹 Why? Turns brokenness into a process of rebuilding.

• Catch It: “There’s nothing left of me.”

• Flip It: "I’ve lost a lot, but I’m still here. And as long as I’m here, I’ll keep building something that matters."
  🔹 Why? Moves from just surviving to taking ownership of what’s next.

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Step 3: Own It

Say it out loud.

Let yourself hear the words. Feel the difference.

Now repeat it every time the old words creep back in. Because they will.

This isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a discipline. The goal isn’t to erase your pain—it’s to stop reinforcing it.

And once you start changing your words, your actions will follow.

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What to Do Right Now

If you’ve read this far and don’t take action, that’s on you.

This is 100% in your control.

1. Write down one negative statement you’ve been saying to yourself.

2. Reframe it using the best practices.

3. Say it out loud.

I dare you.

Write it down. Right now. Look at the words that have been running through your head. Ask yourself:

Are these making my life better or worse?

And if they’re making it worse—change them. Not tomorrow. Not later. Right now.

You don’t get to control everything about your grief. But you do get to control the words you use.

No one else is in your head. No one else can do this for you. If you want a different outcome, start with different words.

Because no matter what’s happened, no matter how much pain you’re carrying—your words are in your hands. And that means your next step is, too.

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Final Thought: The Line in the Sand

This isn’t a theory. It’s not a suggestion.

It’s a line in the sand between the version of you that stays stuck in grief and the version that learns to carry it.

You choose.

And it starts with your words.

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YOUR NEXT STEPS: Learn The Most Important Relationship Skill You Were Never Taught

Ever been in a conversation where someone was grieving, upset, or overwhelmed—and you had no idea what to say?

Maybe you tried to cheer them up, offered advice they didn’t want, or just froze, unsure of how to help. And afterward, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you could’ve shown up better.

💡 You’re not alone. Most people struggle with this—not because they don’t care, but because no one ever taught them how.

That’s why I created The LEAD Model Training—so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start being the person people turn to in their hardest moments.

Here’s What You’ll Walk Away With:

✅ A simple, repeatable framework (Label, Explore, Acknowledge, Decide) that works in any emotional conversation.
✅ Confidence in what to say (and what NOT to say) so you never feel awkward or unsure again.
✅ Proven techniques that make people feel deeply heard—without forcing them to open up.
✅ Real-world role-play scenarios so you’re not just learning, you’re practicing.

Most people:
🚫 Jump to fixing before someone is ready.
🚫 Say things that make people shut down without realizing it.
🚫 Avoid tough conversations altogether out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

But the people who get this right? They build deeper relationships, gain unshakable trust, and become the person others turn to when it truly matters.

🔥 If you’re ready to stop feeling helpless in emotional conversations, join the LEAD Model Training today.