Grief's Paradoxes

The Delicate Dance of Remembering and Retreating

I've always been a social person.

I've loved hanging out with people I care about.

Until lately.

Now I find that, for the most part, I don't want to socialize with anyone.

I've been avoiding a lot of situations where other people are around.

It's been confusing and pretty frustrating,

I've finally realized why.

It's because no one can do anything right.

And that has nothing to do with anyone else.

It's about me. And it's about Chloe.

See, if I hang out with someone and they don't mention her I get upset.

On the other hand, if I hang out with someone and I know they are going to mention her I feel increasing stress until they do.

And then when they do I feel almost like I'm being forced to talk about her against my will.

It feels like a violation.

But at the same time I desperately want to talk about her.

The thing is that I only want to talk about Chloe when I want and how I want.

I want to choose the timing. I want to choose the stories.

I want a level of control that doesn't exist when there's more than just me.

So I put myself in a paradoxical situation.

I want to talk about Chloe but don't want to be around anyone who might be interested in actually talking about her.

Apparently this is a common thing that happens when a parent loses a child (or someone else they care about).

At least I know this inner conflict isn't unique to me.

If I've bailed on meetings, or haven't seemed like myself, it's not you.

It's me. And it's Chloe. We're still trying to figure out this new reality.

And we will.

I'm doing my best.

Thanks for waiting