How to "Network" Without Feeling Like a Total Loser
You'll never have to wear a dorky name tag again. Unless you want to.
The Law of Averages
I can remember exactly where I was when I heard the quote, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” It was April of 2015 and I was riding by bike home from work. I’d just gotten obsessed with personal development and was listening to Hal Elrod’s Achieve Your Goals Podcast.
The idea is that having great people in your life will help you be better. It probably seems as logical to you as it did to me. And you’re probably wondering the same thing I wondered ten seconds after I heard it:
”Where the fuck are all these magical people? How do I find them"?
I had my family, friends and work mates. Not too many of them seemed like the Unicorns Hal was talking about. The only way I could think of meeting different people was going to an cringey networking event, slapping on a name tag and trying to talk to people I’d never met. It sounded like a fucking nightmare.
It turns out I was looking at it all wrong.
The Networking Everyone Hates
First, let’s unpack why “networking” can feel so shmarmy and gross in the first place. Think about it for a minute…if you’re like me, your idea was to walk up to someone you don’t know or just met and figure out how to get them to do something for you.
Yuck. Of course that feels gross. Unless you're a narcissist.
If you approach the conversation that way, you’re going to spend the whole time looking for an opportunity to see if they have anything you need. You’ll talk a lot about yourself and then ask them questions designed to learn if and how they can help you.
And it will totally fucking obvious to the other person. Of course, they’re probably trying to do the same thing to you which will make things doubly awful. It won’t be long before you’re both trying to get yourselves out of the conversation so you can go repeat the exact same thing with the next person.
A Better Way to Think About It
Since that approach clearly doesn’t work, how about this:
Meet people so you can learn how you can help them with no expectation of anything in return.
Yeah, that’s right. Make it all about the other person.
Here’s what will happen when you do:
you’ll focus on asking questions rather than rambling on about yourself
your interest in them will make you interesting to them. Interested people are interesting to people.
you’ll soon learn that you have a lot to offer other people which will radically improve your confidence in yourself. Confidence is the biggest predictor of high performance.
you’ll actually make friends with people rather than creating transactional relationships.
people will want to help you. You’d be amazed at how many times a small act of service has come back around in the most pleasantly unexpected ways.
How to Do It
Treat every interaction you have with another person as a sacred opportunity to leave them a little better off in some way. That’s it.
The way you help them doesn’t have to be some profound life-changing moment. They can be small. Smaller is often easier and remember…consistency compounds.
You interact with people in ways both big and small all day long, every day. Think of how many opportunities there are to serve others. They’re almost infinite.
Here are some ideas:
connect two people you think should meet each other
ask them great questions
make them smile
hold the door open
help them feel heard and understood
suggest a course, training program or group that could help them
offer some advice or insights (if they want it)
help them clarify their own thinking
recommend a book or podcast
ask them about their goals and what support they need to achieve them. Find some way to support them
share some of your own struggles and how you’re working to overcome them
be a real fucking person
give them a pep talk
help them stretch their thinking or challenge a limiting belief you’re seeing
share something you’ve learned
Instead of creating transactions, make friends. Use your strengths and abilities to serve others.
You’ll be shocked at how great it feels and at how quickly you create connections, new ideas and new possibilities.
Now get after it.