Instead of saying, "If there's anything you need..."
Try this instead.
People are so kind.
They often tell me, “If there’s anything, you need, I’m here. I mean it…anything.”
And I know they are sincere. It means a lot.
The problem with asking that question is it puts the onus on the grieving person to come up with something.
It actually can feel quite heavy.
I’ve found myself thinking, “Shit, now I’m supposed to come up with something because this person wants to help me. But I’m drawing a blank. So I’ll just give my standard answer, ‘I appreciate that.’”
I think what a lot of people, who have lost someone close to them need, is someone to listen.
To listen to them talk about what it’s been like.
To listen to them talk about the person they’ve lost.
To listen to them talk about whatever they need to say.
I think a different approach might be to ask a question like this:
“Would it be too upsetting to ask you what this has been like for you?”
Here’s why a question like that might work better.
No-Oriented Questions
The first part is a no-oriented question.
People feel safer being able to say no.
They don’t feel pressured to say yes like they would if you asked them:
“Can I ask what this has been like for you?”
Google Chris Voss if you want to know more about no-oriented questions.
Here are some examples from his website.
Here’s a great podcast my buddy Larry Hagner did with him on this exact subject as well.
Here are a few other no-oriented question openers:
“Would it feel intrusive if I asked….”
“Is it to soon to ask…”
“Would it be too painful to talk about…”
“Is it weird if I asked…”
“Would it be too upsetting if I asked you…”
Open-Ended Questions
The second part is an open-ended.
Remember, an open-ended question is simply one that can’t be answered with yes or no.
It’ll give the person a chance to reflect on their experience and share it in a richer, more meaningful way.
It can help them make sense of their own experience. Often, your question can help them say something out loud for the first time.
It’ll will help them talk about it if they are ready.
And as they start talking, just start listening.
I bet as you do, you’ll see an opportunity to use your strengths, wisdom or experience to help them in a way that matters to them.
You’ll have given them the gift or sharing their experience with them.
And you’ll likely find a way to help them which was what you wanted to do anyway.