Itemizing Everything I've Lost

Looking at what I've lost has helped me remember just how much I had

I got up after sixty minutes feeling drained but satisfied. With some encouragement (shoving) from Tanja, I’ve started seeing a therapist again. It’s been about three years and if ever there was a time to rekindle the relationship, this is it.

It’s important to me to use all the tools and resources I have available to me so I navigate today, and the tomorrow’s to come, in as healthy a way as possible. That means writing, learning, sitting, accepting help and talking to whoever I need to.

Koye, my therapist, is this no nonsense dude that used to be in the Nigerian Army. I made the decision to start seeing based on my reaction to the piercing stare boring into my soul from his page on Psychology Today. I thought, “This guy looks like he’ll call me on my bullshit.” Turns out I was right.

I need that more than I care to admit. Then again, I suppose we all do.

He asked me some great questions which I won’t share right now and he gave me some homework which will take the form of this article.

The Homework

Koye assigned me a task which was to write down everything I’ve lost with Chloe’s death. I’ve lost much more than a daughter. I don’t entirely understand the reasoning for doing this but I imagine it’s to surface some of the more emotionally charged areas and begin to talk through them. I’ll find out soon enough.

I’m sitting at Starbucks with Melody across from me. She’s doing her homework and I suppose that’s what I’m doing too. Hopefully I make it without running to the bathroom to bawl my head off. But, if that happens, it happens and I will share the experience with her.

Here we go:

• I’ve lost my favourite breakfast buddy

• I’ve lost one of my favourite people on the planet to talk and text with

• I’ve lost the chance to be her safe place to land when things seem insurmountable

• I’ve lost the chance to help her with her car related questions

• I’ve lost the chance to walk Chloe down the aisle

• I’ve lost the chance to have an amazing relationship with her future partner

• I’ve lost the chance to ever hold her kids and my grandkids

• I’ve lost the chance to talk her off the ledge when she’s at her wits end with her kids

• She’ll never storm out of the room again when I say something that pissed her off.

• I’ve lost the chance to see Chloe and Tanja’s relationship evolve

• I’ve lost the chance to ever take another family vacation with my wife and two daughters

• I’ve lost a person in my life who really understood me

• I’ve lost the chance to see the person she becomes - what she does with her life, what she loves etc.

• I’ve lost the chance to see her face in Australia

• I’ve lost my arch Jenga nemesis at my mom’s game days

• I’ve lost the chance to see her and Melody laughing together and to see how their relationships grew and changed over time

• I’ve lost one of the funniest people in my life. I’ve lost someone to belly laugh with

• I’ve lost the stress of worrying about her

• I’ve lost the chance to help them pick out their first house and answer any questions

• I’ve lost the chance to think of the perfect birthday present for her

• I’ve lost the chance to reflect and grow when I didn’t handle something like I wanted with her

• I’ve lost the change to hug someone I really loved hugging

• I’ve lost a person I could text a question to and get a thoughtful answer to

• I’ve lost a person who looked like and reminded me of Cindy so much

• I’ve lost a person to go visit Cindy’s grave with

• I’ve lost a person to say ridiculous, inappropriate things with

• I’ve lost a person to buy Timmie’s ice caps and bacon farmer’s wraps

• I’ve lost a person who inspired me with her work ethic

• I’ve lost a person I did my best to love and care for and whom I would have to continued to do that for

• I’ve lost a person who would remind me that it’s really easy to make someone else feel important and seen.

• I’ve lost a person who I would have swum in many more oceans with

• I’ve lost a person who kept me in check by so hilariously making fun of me

• I’ve lost the chance to always, always be the person to pick up the phone when she called

• I’ve lost the chance to wonder what else I could do to be an even better dad for her

• I’ve lost the chance to talk with Tanja about Chloe and her future

• I’ve lost the chance to see a powerful young woman truly step into her gifts and make a difference in the world

• I’ve lost the chance to “star” in more of her TikTok videos that she’d always remind me never went viral

• I’ve lost the chance to do our handshake long into old age

• I’ve lost the chance to see her open her stocking on Christmas morning

• I’ve lost the chance to simply be close to her - to be in her presence

• I’ve lost the chance to make her breakfast

• I’ve lost a person I had the easiest, most chill banter with

• I’ve lost an amazingly good person in my life

• I’ve lost one of my best friends.

• I’ve lost someone I loved as much as any other person I have ever loved in my life

As I read through this list, I realize I’ve lost a hell of a lot. Interestingly, I didn’t feel intensely sad as I wrote this. I certainly felt sadness, but the strongest emotion was love. When I look at all I’ve lost it makes me realize how much I had and how lucky that makes me.

It made me remember just how much Chloe means to me and the incredible impact she’s had, and will continue to have, on my life. That’s something I will always be grateful for. Being Chloe’s dad has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given.

I think I might have just realized the purpose of doing this homework.