One Choice. A Lifetime of Consequences.
The Devastating Impact of My Daughter’s Actions and Why Every Choice Matters
My 19-year-old daughter was killed driving drunk and stoned.
Her mental health had deteriorated so badly from the impact of her mom’s suicide that her life had become completely unmanageable.
It’s not an excuse. Chloe is responsible for her actions.
She took a bend way too fast, crossed over the centerline, and hit an SUV head-on.
She badly injured a completely innocent grandmother and her grandchildren in the other car.
The young man in the car with her was grievously injured and came within minutes of death.
Chloe paid the ultimate price.
I haven’t shared this before because I haven’t known how to frame it. But I want something good to come from such tragedy.
This nightmarish story illustrates the incredible power of our choices.
The ripple effect is almost too much to comprehend. Even 16 months later. Maybe it always will be.
The fire captain and incident commander who retired after the trauma of this experience.
The courageous Samaritans who stopped to help in a horrific situation—now dealing with PTSD.
The parents and families of the victims in the other car, getting the phone call we all dread.
The victims themselves, carrying the physical and emotional scars of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The devastation in our immediate and extended family.
The experience of seeing my daughter’s lifeless body.
The disbelief of listening to the coroner methodically itemize the state of my little girl’s broken body.
The mom and dear friends of the young man in the car—waiting, not knowing if he would live or die.
Unable to work for six months because her son was hospitalized and recovering.
The trauma he will carry for years to come.
The paramedics and ER staff trying desperately to save her, even though she was already gone.
The officer who had to knock on a door and tell a family their daughter was dead.
Her friends—crushed that they lost someone they loved.
The lawsuits.
Having to live with the fact that some people will understandably see your baby girl as a monster.
A dad running a repeating doom loop—imagining if his daughter had lived and having to explain to her what she had done and what she was facing.
The scope of the impact of Chloe’s choices is almost incomprehensible.
But here’s what I’ve come to realize:
It Works the Other Way Too
Your choices can have an equally profound positive impact on the world.
You can choose to make a difference, big or small, in every interaction you have with another human being.
You can choose to face your challenges head-on and share your experience to help others.
You can choose to show kindness and empathy when someone can’t see a way forward.
You can choose to gofirst—by sharing your story and encouraging others to do the same.
You can choose to encourage someone to get help, even when they don’t want to hear it.
You can choose to mentor and guide others, sharing your knowledge and experience to help them build a better life.
You can choose to ask for help when you need it—giving someone the gift of being able to support and lift you up.
You can choose to spread hope, using your words and actions to uplift those around you.
You can choose to be fully present when someone is struggling, offering them the simple yet profound gift of being seen and heard.
You can choose to tell someone how much they matter before they start believing they don’t.
You can choose to be the person who says, “I’m here. You don’t have to do this alone.”
You can choose to let go of anger, resentment, or pride and tell someone you love them while you still have the chance.
You can choose to forgive yourself for the things you wish you’d done differently.
You can choose to be the kind of friend who doesn’t just say, “Let me know if you need anything,” but actually shows up.
You can choose to lead by example, even when no one is watching.
You can choose to remind someone that their worst moment does not define them.
You can choose to take responsibility for your own actions and the impact you leave in the world.
You can choose to be the reason someone believes in second chances.
You can choose to make better choices today, knowing they could shape someone else’s tomorrow.
You are immensely powerful in ways you might not imagine or believe.
Please love each other fiercely. Please drive safely.
I wish more than anything that Chloe had made a different choice that night.
If this message helps even one person make a better one, maybe something good can come from this loss.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so heavy what you and everyone else involved have walked through.
But your courage and desire to share and see it help someone else is such an encouragement.
Several times, I made the same decision Chloe did. More than once, I drove under the influence. And somehow, no one was hurt, there were no collisions, and I was never pulled over for it. And I make no excuse or justification for it.
Because of my own traumatic background, I have never had a problem putting myself at risk. I did, and still do, have a tendency toward risky and dangerous behavior.
But eventually, I realized that driving drunk wasn't only endangering my life. I was putting other lives at risk too. And that weighed heavily on me. Knowing that I would struggle to live with myself if I were responsible for the injury or death of another life by my own recklessness, I decided not to drink and drive any more. And since then, I never have.
And you are right, choices works both ways. Part of why I write is to share my story, and that there is hope.
Thank you for what you write, and the messages you share.
Thank you for your courage, to keep writing and sharing the painful. It matters. Your choice matters. I’m grateful for your experience and the ways you offer your wisdom.