The Grateful Jaguar

Finding peace in the jungles of Costa Rica

The darkness was so intense that it seemed to swallow everything around me. The heat was overwhelming. I couldn’t see the people around me but I could hear their breathing, whimpering, and crying. Our tightly packed bodies only added to the feeling of claustrophobia.

Sitting in the mud and rocks, I pulled my knees up to my chest and fixed my gaze towards the ground. The steam made it almost impossible to breathe while the drumming and singing gave me something other than my increasing discomfort to focus my attention on. To create some semblance of order in the chaos, I softly chanted the same phrase over and over again: "I am a jaguar."

No psychedelics were involved in the making of this story.

Inipi

We were in the middle of a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony in the jungles of Costa Rica. Eighteen people crammed in a small wooden frame covered by heavy blankets. A depression in the centre where red-hot rocks were brought in from the sacred fire. The structure is designed to represent the womb of Grandmother earth, a symbol of rebirth and purification.

It might have represented a womb, but it looked more like the crappy forts I used to build the kids when they were younger.

The ceremony was led by a wonderful local shaman. He explained the history, intention and power of the ritual we were about to experience. He told us the ceremony is known as Inipi which means “to live again.” The ceremony consists of four rounds of intense heat, song and drum followed by a group reflection. The four rounds represent the four directions of north, east, south and west.   

Each round started with a new set of rocks being brought in and placed in the depression with deer antlers.   The rocks were blessed, water was poured on them and the doors were closed.  Then the drumming and singing began anew.

At the beginning of the ceremony,  our guide explained that it provided us with an opportunity to confront the things we may have been avoiding. The intensity of the experience, the physical discomfort, and the process of transmuting the heat and water had the potential to trigger profound insights and even spiritual experiences.

As he spoke, he invited us to consider the jaguar. In its natural environment, the jaguar is the apex predator, unafraid and unchallenged. When it hears a sound in the jungle, the jaguar doesn't run or cower in fear.  It turns around to face the source with confidence and curiosity.   What a powerful metaphor for facing our fears.   He urged us to become the jaguar.   To welcome whatever appears and face it.

I didn’t pay much attention to the idea of becoming the jaguar at first. I was too busy wondering what it was going to be like once we got in there.  Then we finished the first round.  At that point I knew I’d better become the fucking jaguar and do it quickly or I was going to run out of there screaming.

A few people had near panic attacks and left.   Another person started sobbing uncontrollably and also left.  The physical discomfort was intense. My back was killing me from sitting hunched over for two hours. I did my best to make peace with the pain. The shaman encouraged us to each focus on our own journey and to give others the gift of focusing on their own.

Every person who left came back for the third round. I’d only met these people a few days before and we’d already become fast friends. Their return felt like our team becoming whole again. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t mad about having a little bit of extra space when they left. But I gladly gave it up to have them back.

My roommate actually painted himself with mud like Braveheart when he came back in. It was pretty badass. Looking back on it, his warpaint was more of an alpha move than my chanting “I am a jaguar.”

After each round the shaman asked people to share what was coming up for them.  He talked a lot about letting go of responsibility for other people’s experiences. He encouraged us to let them journey their own path, knowing they are here doing what they need to do. 

He explained how shifting our beliefs to get through the ceremony will strengthen our ability to shift our beliefs as we emerged back out into the world.   He also talked about welcoming the lessons from the fucking ants that were crawling all over people. Imagine being grateful for a swarm of biting ants. That’s some next level shit right there.   

I emerged from the Grandmother’s womb with a spinning head, insatiable thirst and a feeling of immense gratitude. I felt grateful to have shared the experience with my new friends. I felt grateful to have drawn strength and inspiration from the people around me. And I felt grateful to be alive. I also felt really fucking grateful to be done.

Gratitude

I was in Costa Rica for a healing retreat. We’d opened up the retreat with an opening ceremony a few days before the Inipi. We were asked to set an intention for the week by writing a word on a small piece of wood. I wrote “Chloe” because my intention was to find ways to love her more deeply even though our time on this particular plane has come to an end - at least in its previous form.

We each shared our piece of art and intention with one another. It was very emotional for many of us, including me. People had come to this retreat for many different reasons. We all had one thing in common; we wanted to move forward in some way that mattered to us.

The concept of practicing gratitude may seem cliché. It’s been meme-ified to the point where the idea seems like more empty noise.

And when terrible things happen, it’s easy to ask yourself, "How could gratitude help me when my fucking daughter is dead? What in God’s name is there to be grateful for?" However, the truth is that gratitude can be a powerful tool for personal growth and healing.

Gratitude is not going to give you the instant fix you probably want. If you expect a few “I’m grateful fors” to magically transform your life, then expect some disappointment.

Real change requires getting in the reps before you begin to notice its impact on your life.

Think of it like adjusting an airliner's course by a single degree. At first, the change might seem insignificant, and your path appears almost identical to the original. But as time goes on, your new trajectory gradually diverges from the previous one, leading to a very different destination.

Gratitude works in a similar manner, subtly steering your life towards a more positive and resilient mindset. Consistency compounds.

What We Focus On We Find

I’ve written about Stoic philosophy before. I love how it helps me get clear on what’s in my control and what’s not in my control. Having that level of clarity allows me to pour all my time and energy into the former and let go of the latter.

One of the things we can control is our perceptions. Or, put another way, we control the stories we tells ourselves about ourselves, about other people, about what’s happened to us, what’s happening to us and what we most want to happen in the future.

Most people spend their most of their lives focused on what’s wrong, broken or missing. When we focus on our problems and shortcomings our problems and shortcomings have this magical tendency to get worse. An intentional gratitude practice is a way of taking ownership over our perceptions.

• I’m grateful that I got to spend nineteen years with Chloe on this earth. I wouldn’t trade the time we shared for anything

• I’m grateful I’ve come to believe that Chloe is OK, that I am connected with her and that I’ll see her again

• I’m grateful I have so many happy memories with Chloe that make me smile and laugh out loud

• I’m grateful that I spent a week with seventeen amazing people who chose to be so vulnerable with one another

• I’m grateful that I chose to be open to new experiences to help me learn and grow

• I’m grateful that Tanja has so profoundly shaped the person I am today, so that I was open to coming on this retreat in the first place

• I’m grateful that people who cared about me reached out and told me about this retreat

• I’m grateful to have experienced a traditional Native American ceremony with a shaman who was so adept at inviting us into it’s magic.

• I’m grateful for the wild jungles of Costa Rica (and that I didn’t get bitten by a tarantula).

• I’m grateful that I had so many consciousness expanding experiences that will take me a long time to understand and unpack.

There are many lessons and takeaways that I’ll take from this experience and carry forward into the future. Right now, the one that seems the most important is the life transforming power of simply being grateful.

My first wife Cindy is dead. Chloe’s dead too. And yet still, there is so damn much to be grateful for.

At our closing ceremony, we were asked to flip our small piece of wood over and write a new word that captures the essence of what we will carry into the future. I thought about it for a long time and then I knew. I picked up the marker and wrote, “Grateful Jaguar.”; I love the way that sounds.