It’s because of me my husband ended his life. My decision to leave sent him over the edge.
I know his actions caused that- but I feel I have to live with this forever. And people always tell me it wasn’t my fault, and I would never want my kids to take that on. But it feels real for me.
That is the heartbeat of what you are doing is rebuilding a life-giving life for you and your family in honor of those who have gone before you - send you another virtual hug 🤗 with prayers to give you continue strength to grow in your grief dear Jason ❣️
Utterly devastating. GUILT. That fucking 5 letter word that should be a 4 letter word. GUILT. I feel it too. It’s the part of grief that tears apart the griever. That makes us cannibalize ourselves.
Chloe Is remarkably stunning. It is a loss not just for you and her family but all of us. And I feel it.
Your love for Chloe is evident and beautiful, Jason. I haven’t lost a child and can’t understand what you are going through, but I do understand that feeling of guilt when we lose someone unexpectedly in our family. Thanks for sharing this and sending you strength and peace, my friend.
I just subscribed and don't know the details about your daughter, but I understand your grief and guilt. Some of your posts are hard for me to read. I feel on the edge of tears, over things you've said and those left unsaid.
I still feel guilty about my mother's death. Same as you said. I coudn't save her, and I've relived the last visit I had with her so many times in my mind. It was four months before she died. I wish so much I had made a different decision... that I hadn't let the complexity and strain of our relationship influence me.
Most of all, I hate that my mother did alone. No one was there to hold her hand and comfort her. I could've been that person.
Thank you for writing about this difficult subject. I lost my husband of 35 years from complications of his addiction to pain pills. Less than two years later, just when I was getting my feet under me again, my 27 year old son died of an overdose. That was five and half years ago. I was in Nar-Anon for ten years before my son died. I thought I understood powerlessness, but I was wrong. Until nothing you do or say can protect someone you love from death, you still think you can control the uncontrollable. Now I write here about how working the 12 steps helped me go on living without them.
You need to give yourself grace. Your life has been one difficult and heartbreaking journey. You have had every reason to do whatever you need to do, at any given moment to get through to the next moment. You honor Chloe by continuing to rise each day, putting your feet on the floor and moving forward. Because it would be easier to do the opposite. You are healing, your words to the world are healing to all of us reading them. Keep your head up and carry on.
You need to give yourself grace. Your life has been one difficult and heartbreaking journey. You have had every reason to do whatever you need to do, at any given moment to get through to the next moment. You honor Chloe by continuing to rise each day, putting your feet on the floor and moving forward. Because it would be easier to do the opposite. You are healing, your words to the world are healing to all of us reading them. Keep your head up and carry on.
You touched my soul. My guilt after my son's suicide almost devoured me. My mind broke, and I lost myself in it. I tried to follow him because I wanted to make right what I felt was all my fault. Madness reigned, and I couldn't stop myself from being destroyed.
I appreciate this so much.
When I get quiet, I feel it’s my fault.
It’s because of me my husband ended his life. My decision to leave sent him over the edge.
I know his actions caused that- but I feel I have to live with this forever. And people always tell me it wasn’t my fault, and I would never want my kids to take that on. But it feels real for me.
I understand.
I’m sure logically you (mostly) understand it’s not your fault.
But the emotions and logic often don’t line up.
I know I will come to sense of peace about my role as Chloe’s dad.
I know I won’t carry this burden forever.
And as painful as it is, I’m grateful I realized I was carrying it in the first place.
I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this.
I won’t tell you it’s not your fault. You have enough people to do that.
I will tell you that I wish peace and healing for you, friend ♥️♥️
That is the heartbeat of what you are doing is rebuilding a life-giving life for you and your family in honor of those who have gone before you - send you another virtual hug 🤗 with prayers to give you continue strength to grow in your grief dear Jason ❣️
Thank you so much Jackie. I appreciate you so much ♥️♥️
You’re doing that real work. ❤️🩹😭 Thank you for sharing the journey.
Thank you friend ♥️♥️
Good to see you back again, Jason. Thanks again for sharing.
Thanks for reading brother ♥️♥️
Thanks brother.
Utterly devastating. GUILT. That fucking 5 letter word that should be a 4 letter word. GUILT. I feel it too. It’s the part of grief that tears apart the griever. That makes us cannibalize ourselves.
Chloe Is remarkably stunning. It is a loss not just for you and her family but all of us. And I feel it.
All I can say is. I hear you.
Thank you so much Jennifer. Your note was so kind and I really appreciate you ♥️♥️
Welcome. Also, I’m reading this. It maybe helps.
Your love for Chloe is evident and beautiful, Jason. I haven’t lost a child and can’t understand what you are going through, but I do understand that feeling of guilt when we lose someone unexpectedly in our family. Thanks for sharing this and sending you strength and peace, my friend.
Jason - I've recently started working with a somatic therapist. I'm glad to hear that this helped you.
I just subscribed and don't know the details about your daughter, but I understand your grief and guilt. Some of your posts are hard for me to read. I feel on the edge of tears, over things you've said and those left unsaid.
I still feel guilty about my mother's death. Same as you said. I coudn't save her, and I've relived the last visit I had with her so many times in my mind. It was four months before she died. I wish so much I had made a different decision... that I hadn't let the complexity and strain of our relationship influence me.
Most of all, I hate that my mother did alone. No one was there to hold her hand and comfort her. I could've been that person.
I continue to hold space for you dear Jason and send love and healing prayers to you and your family. 💕
Thank you for writing about this difficult subject. I lost my husband of 35 years from complications of his addiction to pain pills. Less than two years later, just when I was getting my feet under me again, my 27 year old son died of an overdose. That was five and half years ago. I was in Nar-Anon for ten years before my son died. I thought I understood powerlessness, but I was wrong. Until nothing you do or say can protect someone you love from death, you still think you can control the uncontrollable. Now I write here about how working the 12 steps helped me go on living without them.
You need to give yourself grace. Your life has been one difficult and heartbreaking journey. You have had every reason to do whatever you need to do, at any given moment to get through to the next moment. You honor Chloe by continuing to rise each day, putting your feet on the floor and moving forward. Because it would be easier to do the opposite. You are healing, your words to the world are healing to all of us reading them. Keep your head up and carry on.
You need to give yourself grace. Your life has been one difficult and heartbreaking journey. You have had every reason to do whatever you need to do, at any given moment to get through to the next moment. You honor Chloe by continuing to rise each day, putting your feet on the floor and moving forward. Because it would be easier to do the opposite. You are healing, your words to the world are healing to all of us reading them. Keep your head up and carry on.
You touched my soul. My guilt after my son's suicide almost devoured me. My mind broke, and I lost myself in it. I tried to follow him because I wanted to make right what I felt was all my fault. Madness reigned, and I couldn't stop myself from being destroyed.
Sending love and understanding. 🙏
I'm so sorry you lost your boy Rea and I certainly understand the guilt.
In a way, I'm grateful to finally realize it's something I need to face.
I don't want to face it at all, but I will because it's the path to healing and rebuilding runs through straight through it.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, friend ♥️♥️
Thank you my friend. We walk this road together, and should be there for each other. Only we understand the sum of it.