I think there will be a next time for as long as I live.
IT is never 'over' and I think many confuse that, thinking they'll reach the end of some imaginary toll road of grief. It stays, you just learn to live with the grief, with the pain. And I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. I don't know that I'd want to live in a place where I could forget totally the ones who meant so much to me. Every ache is an echo of joy once known.
Thank you for sharing Jason. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to write this sometimes, but I can certainly applaud your efforts.
Brother, I am so sorry you lost Katy and so recently. You must be crushed beyond imagination.
I wanted to share something I wrote recently with you in the hope that it might help. And I'm in no way suggesting you're stuck in some kind of trap at all - it's been a damn month. I couldn't
function for two months after my daughter's death. It's just passed the two year anniversary.
My daughter died driving drunk and stoned and almost killed four other people. I'll never know, but if she hadn't gotten in the accident, I think it's very likely she would have killed herself. Her life had become completely unmanageable.
And as we, and her friends, pieced together her life in the aftermath, I realized that no one had a full picture of what was going on. We were all worried as hell but it was so much worse than we thought.
Of course I look back with the benefit of that knowledge and hindsight and see things I could have said or done differently. Anyone would.
But I resolved early on, that I did my fucking best as a dad. Being a great dad was the most important thing in the world to me. But that includes making very human mistakes, like all parents do.
So I don't feel guilt. I did my best. That's all we can do and unfortunately that means that sometimes we can't save our kids. There are a million other variables influencing the trajectory of their lives that we have zero control over.
In the article below, I quote a guy named David Kessler who talks about why parents who lose kids feel so guilty, or drive themselves mad with regret and "if-onlys". I found it very comforting.
I wish you peace and healing through this nightmare brother. Please reach out to me directly if you ever want to talk or to just have a guy who gives a shit, can related and will listen to you. ♥️
My biggest feelings about losing my daughter Katy just a month ago is GUILT. There were so many dynamics leading up to her suicide and she suffered for a very long time. GUILT is a very powerful and destructive feeling even though I know my wife and I did everything imperfect parents will do to love and assist our daughter and I know that if I do not keep it in check and distinguish depression from grief that it could destroy me and so I am working hard to try and face it. I appreciate the illustration of the Jaguar and I am trying to work hard to face it as unpleasant as it is. I am also sorry for everyone's loss on here. Please know that you all are all in my thoughts as I grieve my daughter.
This was very powerful and poignant. You tell your story beautifully.
So grateful that men like you are out there helping men get in touch with their wounded self because men who don't learn these valuable HUMAN skills cause great harm in the world.
As a 65 year old female victim of physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my father (who was raped by his grandfather), sexual assault, rape, emotional and physical abuse (by my husband of 19 years) - all at the hands of damaged men - we have to acknowledge the root of this behaviour is the woundedness of men. Not to mention the brutality of my father's treatment towards our mother, who in turn lashed out at us, her 5 children, throughout our childhood and adulthood. Virtually all of the women in my extended family have had to endure these experiences from their fathers and husbands and partners.
Broken men create broken marriages. Broken marriages create broken homes. Broken homes create broken people and the misery continues through generations.
Thank you for this critically important work. Through you and others, our world will find healing and redemption. My Substack shares what I've learned and how I hope to contribute to this healing.
This: It sucked. But then… it passed.
Until the next time.
I think there will be a next time for as long as I live.
IT is never 'over' and I think many confuse that, thinking they'll reach the end of some imaginary toll road of grief. It stays, you just learn to live with the grief, with the pain. And I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. I don't know that I'd want to live in a place where I could forget totally the ones who meant so much to me. Every ache is an echo of joy once known.
Thank you for sharing Jason. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to write this sometimes, but I can certainly applaud your efforts.
Thank you my friend and I love the way you framed your insightful response!
Brother, I am so sorry you lost Katy and so recently. You must be crushed beyond imagination.
I wanted to share something I wrote recently with you in the hope that it might help. And I'm in no way suggesting you're stuck in some kind of trap at all - it's been a damn month. I couldn't
function for two months after my daughter's death. It's just passed the two year anniversary.
My daughter died driving drunk and stoned and almost killed four other people. I'll never know, but if she hadn't gotten in the accident, I think it's very likely she would have killed herself. Her life had become completely unmanageable.
And as we, and her friends, pieced together her life in the aftermath, I realized that no one had a full picture of what was going on. We were all worried as hell but it was so much worse than we thought.
Of course I look back with the benefit of that knowledge and hindsight and see things I could have said or done differently. Anyone would.
But I resolved early on, that I did my fucking best as a dad. Being a great dad was the most important thing in the world to me. But that includes making very human mistakes, like all parents do.
So I don't feel guilt. I did my best. That's all we can do and unfortunately that means that sometimes we can't save our kids. There are a million other variables influencing the trajectory of their lives that we have zero control over.
In the article below, I quote a guy named David Kessler who talks about why parents who lose kids feel so guilty, or drive themselves mad with regret and "if-onlys". I found it very comforting.
I wish you peace and healing through this nightmare brother. Please reach out to me directly if you ever want to talk or to just have a guy who gives a shit, can related and will listen to you. ♥️
https://improvingman.substack.com/p/the-five-traps-keeping-you-stuck
My biggest feelings about losing my daughter Katy just a month ago is GUILT. There were so many dynamics leading up to her suicide and she suffered for a very long time. GUILT is a very powerful and destructive feeling even though I know my wife and I did everything imperfect parents will do to love and assist our daughter and I know that if I do not keep it in check and distinguish depression from grief that it could destroy me and so I am working hard to try and face it. I appreciate the illustration of the Jaguar and I am trying to work hard to face it as unpleasant as it is. I am also sorry for everyone's loss on here. Please know that you all are all in my thoughts as I grieve my daughter.
This was very powerful and poignant. You tell your story beautifully.
So grateful that men like you are out there helping men get in touch with their wounded self because men who don't learn these valuable HUMAN skills cause great harm in the world.
As a 65 year old female victim of physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my father (who was raped by his grandfather), sexual assault, rape, emotional and physical abuse (by my husband of 19 years) - all at the hands of damaged men - we have to acknowledge the root of this behaviour is the woundedness of men. Not to mention the brutality of my father's treatment towards our mother, who in turn lashed out at us, her 5 children, throughout our childhood and adulthood. Virtually all of the women in my extended family have had to endure these experiences from their fathers and husbands and partners.
Broken men create broken marriages. Broken marriages create broken homes. Broken homes create broken people and the misery continues through generations.
Thank you for this critically important work. Through you and others, our world will find healing and redemption. My Substack shares what I've learned and how I hope to contribute to this healing.