What Two Months Has Looked Like

It's been a roller coaster to say the least.

It’s been just over two months since Chloe died.

I wanted to reflect on what it’s been like.

I don’t want sympathy and I certainly don’t want kudos.

I want to help someone else you might be grieving feel some comfort.

- I’ve cried alone in my car in more parking lots than I can count.

- I've been asked to and will contribute to an anthology on Grief

- I’ve listened to Brigther Side of Grey by Five Finger Death Punch about 500 times.

- I've written a lot about the experience.

- I’m wrestling with what feel like radically changed priorities in my life.

- I've committed to writing a book about grief for men.

- Chloe’s urn is sitting on our mantle and I have a really hard time looking at it.

- I've put on a workshop for people who are grieving

- I’ve been so sad I feel physical pain.

- I've played a small role in helping a friend start a group for people navigating grief.

- The level of exhaustion I have felt is more intense than anything I have experienced before

- I've seen a therapist and will see him again this week.

- I’ve sat with my family as they grieve.

- I've been gifted and will go to an incredible healing workshop in Costa Rica.

- I’ve scrolled through old texts, videos and pictures for hours.

- I've talked to many other people who are grieving themselves.

- I’ve stood at the scene of the accident trying to recreate it in my mind and then wanting to throw up.

- I've intentionally chosen to be grateful in some of the hardest moments.

- I’ve taken her death certificate to pick up her mail at the post office.

- I've tried my best to receive the help people have offered me.

- I’ve played out ”what might have been” a million times.

- I've committed to never allowing myself to fall victim to "if-only thinking"

- I’ve imagined Chloe and Cindy together again and smiled and cried at the same time.

- I have tried to fully experience this without drugs or alcohol (except for one 4 day binge of being stoned).

- I’ve looked up at the sky and said “I love you buddy”

- I've talked about what's going on in my head and heart to Tanja and Melody.

- I’ve had a mini-spiral where I told myself I wasn't up to the job of being the dad she needed

- I managed to write and deliver a eulogy that I am proud of and I know she would be too.

- I've texted her even though I knew she wouldn't get and was still heartbroken when it wasn't delivered.

- I've chosen to own how this changes me and committed to the fact that it will change me for the better.

Love each other.