When Meaning Well Doesn't End Well
Why explaining yourself fails in emotionally charged moments and what actually helps instead
I delivered leadership training to a group of managers and directors last week.
Afterward, I chatted with one of the participants.
They told me about someone on her team she had been struggling with.
Things had blown up around an issue, and in the middle of the conversation the employee became agitated and said,
“This is personal to me!”
That caught the leader off guard because from their perspective, it absolutely was not personal. It was procedural. It was about the work.
So she did what most reasonable, well-intentioned people do.
She explained why it was not personal.
Not only did it not calm things down, it made them worse.
The other person became even more upset.
Most leaders recognize this moment immediately.
You are trying to help someone see things differently and somehow you end up pouring gasoline on the fire.
What The Other Person Heard
Here is what was actually happening.
When the employee said, “This is personal to me,” what they heard in response was not, “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”
What they heard was, “Your way of thinking and feeling about this is wrong.”
When was the last time someone telling you that you were wrong helped you calm down?
Never? Me too.
But in emotionally charged moments, explaining is often experienced as correcting. And correcting lands as invalidating.
From the inside, the leader is thinking, “I am trying to be clear and reasonable.”
From the other side, the message sounds like, “You should not feel this way.”
Once someone feels that their internal experience is being dismissed, the conversation is no longer about the issue at hand. It becomes about being seen, heard, and respected.
Why Validation Changes Everything
This is where emotional validation matters.
Validation does not mean agreement. It does not mean the other person is right. And it does not entitle them to unacceptable behavior.
It simply means acknowledging their experience before trying to move the conversation forward.
One of the things that can make this hard is not being able to relate to the other person’s experience.
Maybe if you were on the receiving end of feedback like this, you would not take it personally.
But think back to a time in your life when you felt like someone took something away from you or wanted to change something that was important to you.
You probably did not enjoy it much. That is what you can validate.
Something as simple as, “It sounds like this is touching on something that really matters here,” would likely have shifted the entire interaction.
Not because it solves the problem. But because it removes the unspoken accusation that the person’s feelings are inappropriate or wrong.
The Same Skill Shows Up in Grief
This is the same skill grief asks of us.
One of the most painful parts of grief is not just the loss itself, but how often the griever feels like people think they are doing something wrong.
People say things like, “They’d want you to be happy,” or “Try to focus on the positives,” or “You have to stay strong.”
These are usually loving attempts to help. But what they often communicate is, “Your internal experience is not acceptable.”
Grief, like workplace conflict, does not need explanation before it needs acknowledgment.
Different setting. Same nervous system. Same need.
This is why emotionally charged moments feel so hard to navigate.
When emotion is high, people are far less able to hear logic, intent, or nuance.
If we skip validation and go straight to explanation, accountability, or solutions, we are working against human biology.
One of the Six Moments Leaders Must Master
This is one of the six moments leaders must learn to recognize and respond to.
In my upcoming Six Moments Every Leader Must Master training, I teach leaders how to navigate the point where emotion and performance collide.
These are the moments when someone is upset and the work still matters. When how you respond will either build trust or quickly destroy it.
The skill required is not softer leadership or tougher leadership.
It is attuned leadership.
The ability to acknowledge emotion without correcting it. To validate without agreeing. And to create enough psychological safety that accountability can actually work.
If you can do this well, it does not matter where the emotion shows up. An upset employee, a grieving colleague, or a partner or child all need the same thing.
To feel like someone gets them.
The skill transfers to every relationship in your life.
What This Reminds Us About Leadership
Humanity is not a distraction from high performance.
Humanity is the foundation of high performance.
If this is a moment your leaders keep running into, the Six Moments Every Leader Must Master training is designed for exactly this kind of situation.
The next cohort starts January 8, 2026.
Book a short conversation to explore whether this training is a fit for your leadership team and what enrolment would look like.