When Presence Isn't Enough Anymore
How to lead someone through grief with compassion, clarity, and the courage to call them forward
Table of Contents
You’ve shown up. You’ve listened. You’ve done your best to support someone on your team through grief with patience and care. But something’s not working.
You might be noticing their performance slipping. Or that they’ve become more reactive, or pulled back from participating fully. If it’s gone on long enough, their behaviour may be starting to affect the rest of the team.
You’re feeling it too. You’re frustrated and feel guilty for even admitting it to yourself. You care about what they’re going through. You want to give them space. But you’re also responsible for the team. You’re stuck trying to find some kind of balance between compassion for the individual and care for the whole.
You know something needs to be said. And you know the cost of getting it wrong. That’s why most leaders avoid this moment altogether. They don’t know how to say the hard thing without making things worse.
So they stay silent. But silence isn’t neutral. It speaks, loudly.
To the grieving person, it says: “You’re too fragile to be part of the team.”
To the rest of the team, it says: “The rules are different now.”
To you, it says: “I don’t know how to lead through this.”
At a time when trust is needed most, you’ll find it starting to fray. Compassion without clarity makes people feel abandoned. Clarity without compassion makes people feel attacked. If you want to lead in this moment, you need both.
In situations like this, leadership can feel like walking a tightrope. The tools you’re about to learn won’t eliminate the discomfort but they’ll give you something steady to hold onto. A framework to help you say what needs to be said without losing connection in the process.
Why These Conversations Are So Easy to Get Wrong
When someone is grieving, it’s easy to overcorrect. We tiptoe around them because we’re worried. We avoid the conversations we know we need to have. We wait for the “right time,” which never seems to come. And in the process, we end up making an already difficult situation harder, for everyone.
Avoidance doesn’t protect the grieving person. It isolates them. And over time, it alienates the rest of the team, too. Unspoken concerns turn into double standards. Double standards turn into resentment. And what started as compassion quietly begins to erode the psychological safety that’s crucial to any team.
The good news? You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to stay present—and take ownership of your experience.
Great Leadership Begins with Knowing Yourself
Technical skills aren’t enough to lead in today’s workplace. That’s especially true when dealing with complex human experiences like grief. The research is clear: leaders with high emotional intelligence (EQ) consistently outperform those without it.
In fact, EQ is one of the strongest predictors of leadership success, team engagement, and long-term impact. EQ is made up of four foundational pillars, including self-awareness.
Self-awareness isn’t just about noticing your mood or knowing your strengths. It’s the ability to understand what you’re experiencing in a given moment; what you’re feeling, what story you’re telling yourself, and how that’s shaping the way you show up.
That’s why it matters so much here.
Before you can lead someone else through a hard conversation, you need to understand your own experience first. Otherwise, your message gets clouded by emotion, by assumption, or by discomfort you haven’t named.
That’s where the Experience Cube comes in.
It’s a simple but powerful tool for building real-time self-awareness, so you can enter the conversation grounded in clarity instead of driven by confusion or stress.
The Experience Cube: A Thinking Tool for Hard Conversations
The Experience Cube, developed by Gervase Bushe, isn’t a script. It’s a way to sort yourself out before you speak so you don’t confuse your feelings with facts, or your assumptions with truth.
It helps you do two things most leaders skip:
Get grounded in your own experience—without dumping emotion or blame.
Create space for the other person to stay open—even when the topic is sensitive.
The tool is deceptively simple. But underneath it is one of the most powerful leadership principles you’ll ever use:
When you speak from “I,” people are more likely to listen.
That’s not just soft skills theory. Research in conflict communication, emotional intelligence, and psychological safety all point to the same thing:
“I” language reduces defensiveness by signaling ownership, not accusation.
It opens the door to curiosity instead of triggering shame or resistance.
It makes space for truth—not just your truth, but theirs too.
And that’s what makes a hard conversation human—and productive.
The Four Corners of the Experience Cube
Before you speak, Walk the Cube. That means taking time, before the conversation to map out your experience in writing. It’s a way to organize your experience so you can communicate it as effectively as possible.
You write down:
What you observed
What meaning or story you’re telling yourself
What you’re feeling
And what you want (for them, for yourself, and for the team)
This simple act of reflection helps you speak from ownership instead of assumption, and gives the other person the best chance of staying open. When you Walk the Cube you’ll show up with clarity and ready to talk about what needs to be talked about.
1. What did I observe?
Describe what actually happened without interpretation, judgment, or emotion. Stick to the facts, like a camera would.
“You’ve missed three of the last five morning huddles.”
“You didn’t say anything on the team call today, and your camera was off.”
“The report was submitted three days after the deadline.”
This grounds the conversation in something real, not imagined and makes it easier for the other person to stay in the conversation.
2. What meaning am I making of that?
This is you explain your thoughts, beliefs, ideas, assumptions or judgements. The power in this step is that it forces you to recognize the difference between thoughts and facts. When we speak as though our interpretation is the truth, people shut down. When we own our perspective, they stay open.
“I’ve been wondering if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or unsure how to re-engage.”
“I’ve caught myself assuming you might be disengaged but I’m not sure if that’s true.”
“The story I’ve been telling myself is that you might need support from me that I haven’t been giving.”
This is where “I” language really earns its power. You’re not labeling them. You’re showing them what’s happening inside you and inviting them to respond.
3. How do I feel about that?
This isn’t about cleaning it up. It’s about telling the truth.
“I’ve felt torn between wanting to give you space, but also needing to care for the team.”
“I’ve felt stuck, because I care about you and I don’t know what support looks like anymore.”
“I’ve felt some frustration but mostly uncertainty about how to move forward.”
Naming your emotions helps you take responsibility for them so they don’t show up as tension in your tone, distance in your behaviour, or confusion in your feedback. It also reminds the other person that you're showing up as a human, not just a manager.
4. What do I want? (for myself and for you)
This is about your intention. What are you hoping to create not just from them, but with them?
“I want to you to know that we’re in this together we’ll get through it together.”
“I want us to be honest with each other, even if it’s hard.”
“I want to figure out what moving forward looks like in a way that supports you and keeps the team steady.”
You’re not delivering a verdict. You’re extending a hand.
What This Sounds Like in Real Life
Here’s what it might sound like when a leader walks through the Cube in real time:
“I’ve noticed you’ve missed a few of the daily huddles and haven’t said much in meetings. I’ve been telling myself you might be feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to re-engage, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate. I’ve felt stuck, because I care about you and I also want to be fair to the team. What I’d love is to talk honestly about where things are at, and how we move forward in a way that feels steady for everyone.”
And here’s what might come next:
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not trying to make things hard—but I still feel off. And I know I haven’t been showing up the way I need to.”
You pause.
“Thanks for saying that. And we don’t need to solve everything today. But I’d love to talk about what a next step could like like.”
This is the power of the Experience Cube. It gets you to clarity without sacrificing care. And it gives the other person a chance to show up honestly, too.
What If They Get Defensive, Shut Down, or Say Nothing?
Using the Experience Cube is one of the most effective ways to open the door to an honest conversation. It gives you the best chance of saying what needs to be said without triggering defensiveness. It helps you share your thoughts, emotions, and concerns in a way the other person can actually take in.
But not every conversation ends with resolution. The other person might push back, get quiet, or need time to process. And you might not get it exactly right the first time. That’s not failure. That’s what growth and leadership look like in real life.
The goal isn’t to control how they respond. It’s to communicate your expectations clearly and compassionately, and to create space for accountability, not avoidance.
You’re not asking them to decide whether the standard applies to them. You’re making the standard clear and showing them that they’re not alone in trying to meet it.
Self-Check Before You Speak
Have I been present with this person before or am I jumping into a tough conversation without any real connection?
Have I taken a few minutes to Walk the Cube and actually written down what I saw, what I’ve been telling myself, how I feel, and what I want?
Am I speaking to support and move forward or am I trying to unload my own frustration?
Am I grounded in what’s real or reacting to a story I’ve created about what’s going on for them?
If this goes well, what would a respectful and meaningful outcome look like for both of us?
When you’ve done this work, you’re not just delivering feedback. You’re creating the conditions for real accountability and connection.
Calling Someone Forward Isn’t Harsh. It’s Human
Grief can make people pull away from others, from themselves, from the life they were living before. It’s easy to slip into isolation or patterns that quietly chip away at your well-being. Even the strongest people can forget their own strength.
That’s why leadership in moments like this isn’t just about holding space. Sometimes, it’s about calling someone forward.
Calling someone forward doesn’t mean rushing them through their grief. It doesn’t mean ignoring pain or expecting them to “bounce back.”
It means holding a vision for who they still are, even when they’ve forgotten. It means standing with them and saying, “You matter. Your presence matters. We’ll figure this out together.”
This is what real accountability can look like in the wake of loss—not punishment, but partnership. Not pressure, but a powerful reminder that they’re still needed.
That kind of leadership takes courage. But it’s often the nudge someone needs to take a small step back toward themselves—and back toward life.
A Safe Place to Practice Before the Stakes Are High
These conversations are hard and trying to use a new skill or approach for the first time can feel overwhelming. You don’t have to wing it. You can rehearse it and come to your next conversation more confidence and prepared.
That’s why we created the Experience Cube Interactive Coach - a tool that helps you test your language, explore your tone, and build confidence in navigating emotional complexity at work.
You’ll learn how to:
Speak from ownership rather than assumption
Use real, grounded language that builds trust
Hold boundaries with compassion
Stay present—even when it’s uncomfortable
You don’t have to be perfect. You have to be human. And you have to be willing to say the hard things and say them clearly, kindly, and without holding back.
That’s what people will remember because that’s what real leadership looks like.
here so beautifully surfaces is that grief—so often narrowly defined as sorrow over loss—is in fact a profound entryway into the evolutionary unfolding of consciousness. Emotional suffering, far from being a mere affliction, becomes the crucible in which deeper awareness, interconnectedness and compassion are forged ...the emotional life, is not limited to our visible experiences but extends beyond, shaping even post-physical states through belief and imagination. In this sense, grief does not end—it transforms. It invites us to confront illusions of permanence and control, often revealing the inner architecture of our fears, desires and attachments. These experiences, no matter how painful, are not punishments but reflections—mirrors held up to our evolving self ...to lead others through grief is not only a managerial task, but a sacred one. It requires the courage to witness emotional reality without being engulfed by it, and to speak not just with the person, but with the soul. When we truly understand grief, we stop seeing it as a detour from life’s purpose—and start recognising it as one of its most intimate teachers. At some point, we come to realise that grief’s sharp edge was always carving the shape of a deeper gift of life ...the secret lies in understanding it
I’ve been the manager early in my career who cared but didn’t know how and I have been the leader later in my career who cared and leaned into being present for a team member. Trust is key. You are spot on with your perspective; thank you!