Why Being Effective is Better than Being Right
How to Keep the People You Need Most Close When Grief and Hard Emotions Try to Pull You Apart
The “Great” Dad
I remember being at a work offsite event with our spouses in 2013. We were talking about dealing with people who were upset.
I proudly shared a story about my daughter falling off her bike and skinning her knee.
She was crying as I picked her up, and I said, in a loving voice, “Now listen, buddy, there’s no point in crying. It’s not going to make your knee feel any better.”
I told this story with the smugness of a guy who thought he’d unlocked all the secrets of being a great parent.
One of the wives, who was also a mom, said, “Don’t you think she might have just needed a hug?”
I remember thinking, Yeah, sure. If you want to raise a weak, whiny kid.
What I didn’t realize then is the same thing a lot of men don’t realize now.
I thought I was helping. I thought I was teaching my daughter resilience. But what I was really doing was shutting her down.
I was being right—but I certainly wasn’t being effective.
And this mistake isn’t just something we do as parents. We do it in our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces, and especially in grief.
If there’s a problem, we want to solve it. If someone’s hurting, we want to help. If we’re struggling, we want to push through. That’s how we’re wired.
But being effective isn’t about shutting down emotion so we can move forward faster. It’s about producing the result we actually want.
And sometimes, most of the time, that means choosing connection over correction.
Why We Default to Being Right
Men like certainty. We like having a plan, moving forward, solving problems. When emotions show up, they feel like obstacles to progress.
So we argue, explain, or redirect because we think the goal is to move past the emotions and get to a solution.
At work: An employee is frustrated. Instead of listening, we jump in with “That’s just how it is,” or “Here’s what you need to do.”
At home: A wife says, “I feel like I’m doing everything myself.” Instead of recognizing what she’s feeling, we say, “That’s not true, I helped yesterday.”
With grief: A friend says, “I don’t know how to do this.” We immediately try to fix it with, “You’ll get through this.”
We think we’re being helpful. We think we’re solving the problem. But if the way we respond makes the other person shut down, push us away, or feel more alone, we haven’t actually solved anything.
We’ve probably made it worse.
If being right really worked, we wouldn’t have to keep having the same arguments over and over again.
The Cost of Fixing Instead of Connecting
Every man knows the frustration of seeing someone he cares about in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
If your best friend lost his wife, your brother lost his son, your dad lost your mom—what do you do?
Your instinct is to fix. To find the right thing to say. To make it better. But high-emotion situations don’t work that way.
If you jump straight to fixing, here’s what happens:
They shut down because it feels like you don’t get it.
They get defensive because it feels you think you know what they need more than they do.
They nod along, but inside, they feel more alone than before.
It’s not because your advice was bad (although it might have been). It’s your timing that was bad.
If they don’t feel heard, nothing else matters.
And it’s not just grief.
At work: If you dismiss emotions, people stop telling you the truth. They give you silence, not solutions.
At home: If your spouse feels unheard, she stops trusting that you care.
With friends and family: If they feel like you’re uncomfortable with their pain, they stop bringing it to you.
And that’s the real cost: You push away the people you actually want to help.
How to Be Effective Instead
The dictionary definition of effective is:
“Successful in producing a desired or intended result.”
That means before you open your mouth, you need to stop and ask yourself one question:
“What does being effective look like right now?”
You might not have the perfect answer in the moment, but taking that pause can be the difference between pushing someone away and actually helping them.
This short pattern-interrupt creates just enough space to make a better choice.
If the goal is to get someone to open up, cut the fixing and listen instead.
If the goal is to help them process, validate what they’re feeling instead of correcting them.
If the goal is to make the conversation productive, make sure they feel heard before offering solutions.
This is not about agreeing or letting emotions run wild. It’s about applied, practical empathy.
Empathy isn’t about being soft, having no boundaries, or taking on someone else’s pain. It’s not, as some guys have asked me, “Condoning the crazy.”
It’s simply trying to see the world through the other person’s eyes. And it’s one of the most important skills we can master.
What does this look like in real life?
Instead of “You’ll get through this,” say “I can’t imagine how hard this is. I’m here.”
Instead of “That’s not what happened,” say “That’s how it felt to you?”
Instead of “Here’s what you should do,” say “What’s the hardest part for you right now?”
It’s not about having the perfect words. It’s about keeping the door open.
Looking back at that moment with my daughter, I know exactly what I’d do differently now.
I wouldn’t tell her why crying wouldn’t help. I’d pick her up and let her cry into my shoulder. I tell that it really sucks when we skin our knee.
And here’s the thing - of course she would have gotten back on her bike. And maybe she would have felt a little more comfortable knowing her dad will be there for her when she falls again.
I wasn’t actually making her stronger by skipping that step. I was just making myself more comfortable by avoiding it.
Thankfully, I learned emotional validation a few years after that. I’ve had many opportunities to put into practice since then. And it makes things better, every single time.
So now, I ask myself:
Am I saying this because it’s effective, or because it makes me feel better?
And I challenge you to do the same.
Think about the people in your life—your wife, your kids, your friends, your team.
Where are you being right instead of being effective?
What conversations keep going sideways?
Where are you pushing people away without realizing it?
And the next time you’re in one of those moments, before you say anything, pause.
Ask yourself: What does being effective look like right now?
I think it’s one of the most important questions you can ask yourself.
Have You Struggled with What to Say?
Most people don’t see their own blind spots when it comes to dealing with grief or other hard emotions - their own or someone else’s. They don’t realize how often they invalidate emotions, even with the best intentions.
If you’ve ever struggled with what to say (or not say) when someone’s going through something hard, I put together something for you: "What Not to Say: 10 Mistakes that Make Grief and Hard Emotions Worse."
It’s a free, short, straight-to-the-point guide on the things people say that do more harm than good—and what to do instead.
As the father of 3 girls separated by 4 years each. I have encountered the falling off the bike story many times. I also found by validating their hurt and understanding their pain brings forward a much better conclusion and a stronger connection. Great article!